Beginus

All right, so here I go. After much encouragement I have decided to try a blog. I hope that I will post regularly and keep those that I share this with entertained. Honestly, that's my primary goal - I think a lot of people start these things and they wind up as a version of masturbation. I am completely disinclined to use this forum as a bitch session - I guarantee that will be part of the equation but it's not my primary motivation. I think writing is a gift. I don't have it - don't get me wrong. For an amateur I do OK. It's nice that these spaces are available for people that would like to write.

So - where do I start? I have a story I want to tell - I'm just not sure that I'm ready to tell it here (altho I will, I just can't believe I'm doing this at all). So let's talk about my new next door neighbor. But before I do - here's a little anecdote about what kind of people I generally encounter.

For those of you that know me, you'll know that historically whatever absolute FREAK is in the room will decide that I am the girl for him. I don't consider myself a great beauty or a supermodel type, but I do carry a bit of confidence and I am not easily intimidated. Nevertheless, the most socially awkward, inappropriately dressed, bad hair-styled basket cases will inevitably be drawn to me. Example #1 is the smelly nightmare at work. Brief description - maybe 5'1" (I'm 5'3"), receding hairline, rat-tail ponytail, fucked up teeth, body odor, bad dresser and a weird skin condition on his forehead that looks like a bullet wound that's in the process of healing. I had the feeling this guy was sort of following me around at work but chalked it up to feeling a little paranoid. I should have followed my gut.

The short version of the story is that this fella followed me around the building for the day and then asked me to go to a Yankee game with him. I don't know this dude from Adam. I do know that I find him completely unappealing and the only thing that I'm curious about is what makes him smell the way he does. A work friend overheard his smooth delivery and called me to tease me about this crazy guy asking me out (seriously, he looks like a serial killer) and realized I was so upset about it that he promised not to give me shit about it for 2 weeks. And this friend is a guy that LIVES to give his co-workers a hard time. I was polite to Mr. Serial Killer and said I had plans (I didn't) and walked away. I find out later that not only is he married (what?!) and has two kids (are you kidding me?!), apparently he makes a habit of creepily hitting on single women in the office! Some people have told me that I should be flattered by this kind of attention - maybe I should be. But ultimately it comes down to the fact that I am consistently approached in a completely inappropriate manner. It's just depressing.

So here is the neighbor story: A new guy moves into the building next to me. He's not horrible looking but he made me a bit nervous because he always seemed to be outside when I was walking my dog and he was trying a bit too hard to engage me. I would open my front door and before I had even stepped onto my porch I would hear "Hi!" It would sort of make me jump every time I walked out of the house. So one night, I walk the dog and I see him, say hi and go back inside. 10 minutes later my doorbell rings. I don't have a buzzer so I call downstairs and he says, "It's S from next door." I go to the door and he asks if he can come up and keep me company for a while, he doesn't know many people in the neighborhood (even though his cousins live across the street). This completely freaks me out. What grown man in this day and age would ask a woman he doesn't know if he can come into her house?! I tell him I'm tired and I'm going to sleep soon - so....no. Not a good idea. He looks a bit embarrassed and I feel a little bad for shooting him down - but still! What grown man in this day and age would ask a woman he doesn't know if he can come into her house?! The next night he saw me walking my dog and he came out and apologized. He seemed really sincere so I sort of mentally removed him from the creepy category into the merely socially awkward category. Yeah....not so much.

The following Saturday I was just hanging out in my apt because I wasn't feeling that great and thought I had a cold coming on. At about 1pm, my doorbell rings. I call down to see who it is and no one answers. I walked down the stairs, thinking maybe the postman had left a package (no) and no one was in the foyer. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings again. "What the fuck?" I go down again, now thinking that someone is ringing the side door (where there is no peep hole). I wind up on my front steps to see if someone is ringing the side door bell, when I see my next door neighbor guy sitting on his steps.

Him: Hey
Me: Hi.....did you just ring my doorbell?
Him: Yeah - a minute ago
Me: So.....what's up?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Uhm - nothing, I'm not feeling well so I'm just hanging watching some movies.
Him: Yeah......?
Me: OK - I'm going to go in now.
Him: OK

At this point I start to notice the slow blink and realize he's completely bombed. And it's 1:00pm on a Saturday afternoon. Awesome. I skittered past him the next day as I was taking the dog out (noon-ish) and he was sitting on his steps again, hammered. Super awesome.

I get the hell out of there and avoid any contact with him for the rest of the week. I change my schedule, I walk my dog in a different place - just avoid the front of my house all together.

I manage to avoid this guy for an entire week until the following Friday. He rings the bell again. (Incidentally, I knew it was him each time the bell rang. I don't get a whole lot of people just randomly showing up to my house). So he shows up again to apologize. Didn't mean to scare me - was just wondering if I'd like to go for a drink with him sometime.

Me: Uhhmm you rang my doorbell and then kind of ran off.
Him: Well you didn't come down and I knew you were here because your car was here.
Me: You rang my bell and left. I looked in the entry way, you weren't here and then you rang my bell again a few minutes later.
Him: No I didn't. I just rang your bell hoping you would come outside. I wanted to know if you wanted to have a drink sometime.
Me: No, I don't think so. Don't ring my bell like that again.
Him (flustered) : Oh...sorry! I won't bother you anymore. Sorry....sorry.

I came away from that encounter with two thoughts. 1) He didn't remember that he rang the bell twice because he was so bombed and 2) I felt guilty for making him feel embarrassed.

These stories always make a good dining out tale. My friends have come to expect that every few months or so I will be able to relate an encounter that will reach the apex of total inappropriateness. These stories are always funny - but it usually takes me a few weeks before I can actually tell them because when it initially happens, it's just awful. This happens to me so frequently I'm convinced that I send out some pheromone that only crazy people can sense. I never want anyone to feel badly so I try to politely extricate myself from these situations only to find that my politeness has become sort of a green light for them.

One of these days I hope I have a "met cute" story that I can dine out on. That would be way more fun.

So there is my first blog. My goal is to find the courage to blog/journal here so my friends will enjoy it, maybe people who don't know me will notice and enjoy it and I will have the courage to write what I really feel and am sort of afraid to say out loud. It's always easier to write it down.


Be peaceful to each other.